I think anyone that’s ever truly felt the meaning of being suicidal, i don’t mean having a bad day at work, or the ‘oh kill me’ remarks made by people embarrassed by the night before, i mean someone who’s come to their tether, burnt at both ends, and wants it to end, eventually at some point wonder who actually understands us? Everyone claims to, Our family members, our friends? Professionals. And how much do they really understand? Recent events in my life have led me to doubts, overthinking late at night. And maybe some of you agree with me?
Now i am in ‘recovery’ i feel the people around me benefit more than i do… is that stupid? Selfish? They don’t have to deal with the constant tears, nor constant actions towards ending my life, constant down days, they don’t have to deal with the thoughts aloud anymore. but i do? they’re still loud, and fresh, for me anyway… but thats allowed to right? thats something that’s always confused me about recovery… once you’ve done the hospital part, you’re on your medication, your smiling again. Do people think it’s stops? The flashbacks, the thoughts, the doubts? The pain, the sleepless nights, the body memories? Oh the body memories. Do people think you never have a bad day again and when you do, what does that mean for them? Thats the problem, so many people claim to understand, but understanding isn’t about understanding once, it’s about understanding over and over and over again, and continuing to understand for as long as that individual needs. Don’t get me wrong, some people attempt their life’s and never ever go back to that dark place again, but take someone with PTSD. That is such a complex diagnosis, it can come whenever. A certain smell, place, look, taste, touch, can trigger off a horrific memory and that person is back in that original place that put them as a suicidal risk in the first place, you can’t shield them from it, so it happens, over and over and over again. That’s not going round in circles, as I’ve heard many people claim it to be. That’s part of recovery. Learning how to deal with it when it does come, and eventually, maybe, it gets easier every time. What is going round in circles is going back to having to hide it because people don’t understand why you’re feeling this way again, and make you feel like a scratched, old, one song record, that’s the repeatative part.
Im just tired of explaining myself, explaining my feelings, when me speaking out in the first place was my attempt of stopping that, stopping being an irritant… why should I constantly have to explain why I feel the way I Do? If they claim they understand? They clearly, very very clearly don’t, and I don’t know if they ever will.
Am I alone? Sure feels that way.